I just thought it was time

I started with a full in my energy pool
Using as needed as I rolled on
Not knowing where the midpoint is
Not to mention where the endpoint is

The full energy soon became not so full
But rolling on was still so much fun
I knew that I was heading for something good
So I enjoyed the travel as mush as I could

Opening gifts full of surprises
Laughed on some, shed tears on others
Keeping some and leaving the rest
Looking forward to opening new ones

I went on with a half in my energy pool
Using it more wisely as I continued rolling on
Still now knowing when to stop
That is, if I should at all stop
Speculating on other areas to be conquered
Bu boring patterns soon appeared
Losing energy, I made more but smaller hops
Wondering if there was really something to be called the top

Pondering on the meaning of the word enough
Contemplating whether to put another bet
Taking inventory of what I, so far, had have
Trying to foresee all that were ahead

I adopted stricter rule for the energy pool
For ach and every top was just an illusion
What was the use of a tank that was once full?
When the end is nowhere within vision

One day I decided to stop
Not due to inventory overload
Not because I could see the rest of the road
There was no clear reason why I stopped

I just thought it was time
2 May 97

What I learn from my Chicken Pox

No matter how well I plan something
No matter how sure I am of something
There is something beyond my control

No matter how I think that there is not time left
No matter how impossible things are
There is unexpected time laying around

No matter how bad I want something
No matter how hard I strive for it
When He says no, I won’t get it

No matter how reliable I think I am
No matter how independent I think I am
There is time when I am the weakest and the most helpless

No matter how unstoppable I think I am
No matter how proud I am of my persistence
When He stops me, I have to stop

4 Dec 96

Everlasting peace

Sometimes ever the simplest pleasure can bring me everlasting smile
The smell of a half baked cake
A half written poem
A new edition of a girl magazine
A ringing phone
A song with a familiar lyric on the radio
The last word of a long paper
A funny email from a faraway friend
A two for five sale of baskin robbins ice cream
The smell of vidal sasoon shampoo on my newly dried hair
How I wish those times last forever
In some other times when none can take away the sorrow
In those times when none can ease the emptiness
During those times when none can create even the weakest smile
How I wish those times were all replaced
With the times when even the simplest pleasure can bing me everlasting peace

30 Nov 96

Before

Before the next sun comes up on the east
Before the next moon comes down in the mist of dawn
Before you finish serenading the word good night
Before you end your tonight’s prayer
Before you pull up the blanket that separates you from the world
Before you take the last look at the ceiling
Before you close your eyes to sleep
Before you step into the world of dreams
Before you breathe the next breath
Before your heart beat the next beat
I already am thinking of you in that very special way
Always

27 Nov 96

One moment of Nudity

A sudden rush of wind brushing against bare skin
A rich feeling of the world’s texture
A freedom of burden
An enlightened spirit
A freedom of sight
A strong feeling of naturalism
An absence of pretense
A deep realization of oneself
A strangulating vulnerability
A powerful urge to embrace the immediate air
A temporary total unity with space

2 Nov 96
special thanks to esther for the inspirational tease

Once upon a season

Once upon a summer
We share bits and pieces
Knowing neither where we come from
Nor where we go from there

Once upon a fall
Nothing means anything
But I’m with you
I do, always

Once upon a winter
We have the choice once again
Asking neither what nor how
Neither regretting nor expecting

Once upon a spring
Last chance comes and quickly go
Exchanging neither meaningful nor meaningless words
Which are neither lost nor kept

Once upon a season
We could only remember and mostly wonder
But I will be with you
I will, always

26 Oct 96

A Wasted Second Chance

One upon a time
I found you among the crowds
An unpredictable gaze
A un-understandable heart
Too short a vague smile was exchanged
Too tiny an attempt was shared
I stood motionless
Only to painfully watch you go away
Leaving a regret I somehow felt I’ll carry for life

Once again
I found another you among the crowds
The same un-understandable heart
The same unpredictable gaze
I know I’ve waited way too long
I should’ve asked you long ago
But I stood motionless, expecting …
Knowing painfully that I’ll soon lose you again
This time.. for good
Rediscovering a regret I’ll carry for life

I’ve been given a second chance
It was a wasted second chance

13 Sep 96, 2 Dec 96

I thought I have Reached My Limit

I thought I have reached my limit a very long time ago
With each passing episode …
More overwhelming than the once before
They never ceases to amaze me
How I went through it all
Without really reaching my limit

Each time I felt that things could not be worse
They were !
With no mercy and no excuse
Exerting more pressure than before
They never cease to amaze me
How I did not just melt down and evaporate
Even though sometimes I wanted it hard enough

I thought I reached my limit a long time ago
But ever time I thought that the worse was over
And that there will never be anything more grandiose that I couldn’t face
The next episode came pounding
Pushing me further out I wouldn’t dare to look

Each time I was wrong
Each time they never failed to surprise me
And the scariest part of all
After all these ties
Maybe there is no limit

6 May 1996

Good Bye, my Love, I waved You Good Bye

One morning at a distant place
Once in the past my sight was touched
The mountain was there, the mountain was there
Since then I questioned each other’s deeds
Should we start to conquer this one now?
After one book came another
Mornings were gone, the next mornings came
Exchanges of looks, exchanges of words
Sitting in a circle, assuming assumptions
With meanings sought, never to be discovered
Should the hike start here, should the hike start there
And before nothing turned into dislike
Before all the mornings were lost
Good bye, my love, I waved you good bye
Forget the mountain, which was still there

April 1996

The day I came to my senses

I could never pinpoint
But I did it many times before
Each time I felt stupid
Each time I felt embarrassed
The worst was over, though
And the days I came to my senses …
Marked the end and the beginning

And then …
For some reasons I could not explain
But always a reason
I went away again

Each time I went …
Finding my way back was harder and harder
I’ve been away for too long this time
Every time wanting to come back
But, every time I was close …
I pulled myself farther away

But today is the day I come to my senses
And this time …
I’m coming back for good

14 April 96

I wish I could let me go

Sometimes I wish I could let me go
To my disdain, lately
That time has come more and more often
Suffocating me beyond what I can bear
Each time more intense than before
Hurting me slowly, surely, strongly
Hurting me hard I wish I could just let me go
Sometimes I wish it hard enough
Hoping it will come true
“it will come true if you wish hard enough,” they say
but when I get up in the morning …
after wishing so hard that it hurts …
I still couldn’t let me go
Each night …
Each very night …
I sleep with a new wishful hope
Waking up only to be disappointed once more
Again …
And again …
And I still couldn’t let me go
Until when do I have to put up with this?
Sometimes I just feel like bursting it all out
I rehearse it several times
Picturing myself picking up the phone
And bursting it all out
It is one of those times
When I wish I could let me go
Which, lately, to my disdain
Has come more and more often
How I wish I could let me go

April 1996

Untitled

Not sad
Not quite happy

Not clueless
Not quite full of understanding

Not failed
Not quite successful

Not lost
Not quite purposeful

Not meaningless
Not quite meaningful

Not confused
Not quite decisive

Not worried
Not quite at peace

Not weak
Not quite strong

Not deprived
Not quite fulfilled

Somewhere in between
I’m untitled at twenty two

15 March 1996

Morning Ministry

I know you have something to say
But there is no voice and there is no ear
You exist but yet you don’t count
And you just fade into somebody’s
Embarrassing past …
… that he wants to bury fast
Without wanting to admit it,
You want to be able to bury yours, too
Under the common bridge

10 March 1996

Note : I will always remember my experience of becoming a volunteer at the soup kitchen for the homeless people. Standing under the bridge distributing food every Saturday for 2 whole quarters have been an eye opener during my college years.