There’s nothing new about me at all

My birthday is here again
Another year has passed all of a sudden
And when I look myself in the eyes
There’s really nothing new about me

I’m still the same old me
Who find new ways of expressing my self
I’m still the same old me
Who seeks new sides of many same people

My eyes are still the same pair of eyes
Which cry new tears every so often
My lips are still the same pair of lips
That carry new laughter over familiar things

I still do what I always do
Building new courage to do many new things
I still embrace what I always embrace
New days, new opportunities and new experience

Even the efforts that I make are still the same
To find new happiness over the simplest things
And my approach toward failure doesn’t change
to make new attempts, new fights and new struggles

I’m definitely the same old me
Who try to find new hopes every single day
I’m definitely the same old me
Who fill every night with new found dreams

You see, I’m still the same old me
There’s nothing new about me at all

Happy Bday to me
15 Mar 2009
(written 10 February 2009)

Aku menulis

(Celebrating 34 years as a human being, 4 years as a writer)

Aku menulis bukan tentang diri
Aku menulis tentang mimpi

Aku menulis bukan di atas lembaran
Aku menulis di atas kehidupan

Aku menulis bukan di kala senggang
Aku menulis di kala senang

Aku menulis bukan demi ketenaran
Aku menulis demi kebebasan

Aku menulis bukan dengan tinta
Aku menulis dengan cinta

Aku menulis bukan memakai pikiran
Aku menulis memakai perasaan

Aku menulis bukan karena harus berjaya
Aku menulis karena haus berkarya

Aku menulis bukan untuk menghakimi
Aku menulis untuk menggarami

Aku menulis bukan untuk membuktikan
Aku menulis untuk merasakan

Aku menulis bukan sekedar penghiburan
Aku menulis untuk merayakan kehidupan

Arleen
15 Mar 2008

In a coffee shop at the corner of Dong Khoi and Lam Son

In a coffee shop at the corner of Dong Khoi and Lam Son
I sat in front of my salad and the Prince of Tides
Motorcyclist whizzing by with no helmet
Louis Vuitton signboard stood majestically across the street
I was waiting for my husband and daughter to come back
They were still on a boat somewhere along the Mekong Delta
Looking at people making rice crackers and coconut candies
I ate my lettuce and bit my olive
I let Pat Conroy take me all the way to South Carolina
Still, I had the chance to glimpse at a basket of mangosteen on a motorcycle,
Children running,
And European tourists on siklo
And that’s how I spent my third afternoon in Ho Chi Min city
While waiting for the rivers of Mekong Delta
Delivering my family back to me

Ho Chi Min city, Vietnam, 8 June 2007. 13:31

Note : Vietnam used to be occupied by French so there are some French influence. Siklo is a Vietnamese becak. Prince of Tides is a novel by Pat Conroy about the life of a shrimp fisherman family in South Caroline

Where are you, really?

I thought I saw you the other day
The same smile that spelled love
The same gaze that spelled hope
And I reached out my hand to touch yours
Only to find yours so far away
Blown by the wind that swept
The leaves north towards a different life

I thought I saw you the other night
The same moves that was so inviting
The same words that was so intriguing
And I ran out to hold you
Only to find a shadow on the wall
Wiped off by the candle that burned
my wish away into nothingness

Where are you, really?

19 May 2007 09:27

Holding On

I didn’t expect it to be easy
I didn’t expect to find you right away
But when hope was sowed
And empty love was harvested
A heart can do nothing but weep
But after all the tears have been shed
And when all the bones are crunched in disappointment
There is nothing to do but holding on
I didn’t expect it to be fast
I didn’t expect to see you at the next corner
So there is nothing to do but holding on

March 2007

Lies

I asked for love and you served me lies
I asked for hope and you gave me deceptions
Lies served on a silver platter
Deceptions wrapped in a velvet box
What I really want is just one true love
And even if it’s served on a broken china
And even if it’s wrapped in a crumpled newspaper
I still want my one true love
And not your bejeweled lies

February 2007

A Walk with my Birthday

Without any warning, without any reminder
My birthday has crept up on me again this year
Tapping me hard on my shoulder when I least expected him
And quickly embraced me before I could run away

And when he saw the surprised look on my face
He smiled the usual teasing smile
“Don’t tell me you were not expecting me!
I know that you know I’d be coming today.”

He took me by my arm and forced me to walk with him
Just like last year and all the years before
I forced a smile, knowing I had no choice
I forced a step, knowing I had no other option

“You used to like me when you were smaller
Waiting for my visit so impatiently.
Running into my arms when you saw me coming.
What happened between us? You know I never changed.”

I knew he was right for he never changed one bit
He came right on time every year without fail
Always the same smile, always the same walk
It was me who changed as the years have gone by

I don’t quite know when I started to wish
That my birthday wouldn’t come creeping anymore
But I know he’ll continue to come no matter what
He will always come for our annual birthday walk

“Why am I not welcomed now?
Do you hate life so much that you don’t want me?”
I told him it was because I love life so much
That I didn’t like the way he crept up on me every year

My birthday just shrugged his shoulder
As if I didn’t make any sense at all
We were almost at the end of our walk
And he stopped to look at me one last time

“You can not love life and not have me
You either have us both, or lose us both.”
I looked in his eyes and saw it was true
And we finished the last mile of our walk in silence

He embraced me once more before he went away
“I’ll see you next year,” he whispered in my ears
I forced a nod, knowing I had no choice
I forced a smile, knowing I had no other options

I stood up still as he waved me good bye
I always feel empty on the day I take my birthday walk
But at least, there is still a year before my next walk with him
And till then, I will continue to do what I’ve always and will always do …

celebrate life while I still can

Happy Bday to me
15 Mar 2007
(written 9 Mar 2007 20:18)

I met my childhood sweetheart today

I met my childhood sweetheart today
And she looked as pretty as I remember her to be
When we played hide and seek twenty odd years back
When I was so sure we were going to be together forever

But no too long after, she did go away
And my heart was cruelly taken away from me
So I started to search for her everywhere
And I would never stop until the day I find her

I didn’t care what other people say
I wasn’t wasting my life but they just couldn’t understand
That I had to search every road, every aisle, every row
And I bound to meet her sooner or later

I thought about her every night, every day
And I was sure at the very moment, she was also searching for me
And one day we would find each other again
And then we would just fall into each others’ arms, into each other’s lives

I always knew I would find her someday
But I wasn’t prepared that I would run into her today
Twenty odd years have come and go
And she still held my heart tightly in her hands

For a moment or two I couldn’t find anything to say or do
I stared at her, not believing what I saw
And I reached out my hand to see if she was real
She took a step back, out of my reach

Then she hesitantly reached out her hand towards me
And I was overjoyed or thinking what would come next
We would surely fall into each others’ arms
And my lifelong search would finally be over

But instead, she was just handing me back my heart
“sorry I’ve kept it for so long,” she said
“but I really didn’t know where I could find you”
Then she turned her back on me and walked away

I was left with my heart on my hand
And I saw that it was already broken

1 Jan 2007 19:27

At Bras Basah

It was a Sunday afternoon down at Bras Basah
I was sitting by the escalator with a stack of secondhand books
The rain started to fall, wetting the floor of the semi outdoor complex
It was actually a perfect day for book shopping,
But there was not that many people at Bras Basah that day
A few walked pass me, with Popular plasticbag in their hands
I know where the thers were! They were down at Orchard to look at the Christmas lights
I sure haven’t been here for the past many Christmasses
But still I prefer to be here at Bras Basah than there at Orchard
Walking through aisles of books whose smell I know so well
Bringing back old memories and I suddenly thought of you
We used to come together to Bras Basah
Where a mere 10 dollar can get us quite many good reads
And the aisles at the philosophy section can hide a kiss or two
But those belong to another decade which seems like another life
And that was not the reason why I came back today
I gathered my books and got ready to leave
Then I saw a man in a white shirt typing sms into his cellphone
And a moment after, our glances met and locked
And for a time that seemed like eternity, we just looked at each other in disbelief
I trully didn’t come for him but he was there at Bras Basah
And when he offered his hand, I gladly accepted
No words was said as we entered a secondhand bookstore hand in hand
But we both knew we were heading right to the Philosophy section

Bras Basah Complex, Singapore
Sunday 24 Dec 2006, 15:44

I caught your gaze among the crowds today

I caught your gaze among the crowds today
My heart couldn’t help but skip a beat
I remember the day that you went away
The day my heart had been badly hit

It’s been so long but the pain’s still clear
And I knew that you knew and you saw it, too
If I’d only known that I’d meet you here
I wouldn’t have come and wouldn’t have you

We have hurt each other badly in the past
With no one else to blame but us
Day by day grinding our precious love to dust
For pride had clearly come between us

And when we decided not to fight
We truly didn’t have anything left anyway
The pain was so real and nothing seemed right
We had no more tears to shed and nothing more to say

And in all those years that I spent without you
I couldn’t help but wonder if you did still care
Have we really changed from lover into foe?
Have all of our dreams been changed to nightmare?

I saw the answer in your gaze today
The same regret that I’ve carried for years
We held our gazes and then looked away
I knew it was too late and I fought back my tears

So once again, we walked away from each other
Silently agreeing that today never happened
For there’s simply no hope to be together
When two hearts had been so badly burnt

We walked away and didn’t look back
We shouldn’t have met today or ever
It added to the burden that was already too heavy to drag
For ours was a lost case, a lost love, lost forever

You shouldn’t have caught my gaze among the crowds today
But we have held our gazes far too long
We’ve seen questions, regrets but no answer before looking away
And continued our separate lives under a sad sad song

We shouldn’t have caught each other’s gazes among the crowds today
So at least we could continue our endless sorrowful waiting
Now that we’ve met again, I have nothing to say
For all the pain that if brought, love is just one sorrowful thing

Arleen Amidjaja
25 Oct 06
14:40

Two years, eight months and eighty books later …

Two years and eight months ago
I thought it would only be a summer fling
When I reached out for a pen and started writing
I didn’t think it would last more than a few pen strokes

Two years and eight months ago
I started writing and didn’t stop
Line by line and page by page
And I thought I would stop after the book was done

Two years and eight months ago
I started carrying my pen everywhere
And the urge to write got stronger and stronger
And I started to realize it wasn’t just a summer fling

Two years, eight months and eighty books later
I’m still writing and know for sure
That writing is a lifetime commitment
And my pen and I are here to stay

Arleen Amidjaja
17 Oct 06
20:15

Empty Weekends and Empty Hearts

As this workweek comes to an end
And others are looking forward
To spend time with family and loved ones
I drag myself home
With nothing but a numbness within
For an empty heart is all I’ve got
And that makes weekends unbearable
What’s the use of all the praises
Of projects well done and target achieved
If I can’t even face
Another weekend of empty apartment

I stopped by blockbuster on my way home
To get yet another pile of movies
Stories of lives that do nothing
But reminding me of my own lifeless life
The shopkeeper nodded and smiled
With the look that said, “I know you’ll come today,
I was sure I even dared
To bet my house on this!”
I went out without renting anything from him that night
Just to get a glimpse of shock on the shopkeeper’s face
And I drove around to another blockbuster on the next block
Which I would go every week from then on
Till I get the same nod and the same look from the shopkeeper
After which I would just find another blockbuster
Just like the way I call one pizza place after another
As soon as the delivery boy could drive to my place blindfolded
They were just shopkeepers and delivery boys
And yet, during weekends, they are both richer than me
And they know it
They always do.

My friends say I need a new love
But how can I have a new love
When I don’t even have a real heart?
My heart is but a hollow shell
Hollowed by a girl who had long gone
So I only have room for my loyal companies:
A pile of moves and boxes of pizza
They will see me though the dreaded weekends
They will tide me over till Mondays come
When I can once again belong to the actions
That will at least make me forget about my empty hearts
Until the dreaded Fridays come again
Until it’s time for me to stop by Blockbuster again.

16 July 2006 19:40

Elegy on Motherhood

I used to be the master of my own time
Using it in ways that please my young heart
Never with caution for I always had plenty
To splurge around everything and even around nothing

I used to be the owner of my very own heart
Flaunting it so gaily for there was no burden
Each step lightly taken as the road’s flat and smooth
To run towards places or even toward nowhere

I used to be the center of my living universe
Living it in ways that suit my own style
Took it for granted for I knew no other way
To have been served by many and also by myself

And then …
I entered motherhood…

And now even one second is deemed worth saving
For time has become both so precious and scarce
With nappies to change and bottles to wash
As the sand in the hourglass came pouring down fast

And now even my heart was stolen fro me
And held in a pair of small tiny hands
I was soon enough lost in each look, in each smile
I’ve been abruptly imprisoned as a slave of love

And now I have found the center of mynew universe
A universe so demanding and yet so rewarding
A labyrinth of emotions that I have to conquer
To serve, to be hurt for love in return

I have traded everything for love
And I will gladly do it again

Sunday 25 June 2006 22:10

An Artist’ Cycle of Emotion

Splashing the paint onto my canvas
Painting anger, my heart’s full of rage
Blotches of paint dripping on the floor
As my heart was torn and then bled to death

Striking the brush onto my canvas
Painting frustration with full pounding heart
Streaks of paint scratching my bare hands
As my heart beat fast and I gasped for breath

Dropping the brush into my water bucket
Colors spreading out clouding my helpless heart
Droplets of water easing the open wound
As my heart fought to cure and to live

Sweeping the brush onto a new canvas
Painting fragile love begging for acceptance
Lines and lines of colors decorating days
As my hands trembled to embrace new love

And …
Until my heart is broken once more,
I will continue to paint shameless love

25 July 06 20:55

When you left

When I saw you walking out that door
I felt the whole world’s closing in on me
Still, I knew you won’t be coming back
So there was nothing I could do but letting go

When you turned to look at me for one last time
I felt a droplet of hope dripping down on me
Still, it disappeared like a drop of water int the sand
So I didn’t even try to catch it with my bare hands

When I saw you walking further out
I felt the emptiness attacking my soul
Still, I knew that the worse was not over yet
So I braced myself and strived to be strong

When you have finally moved out of my range of sight
I found myself seated on the floor like a pile of rags
Still, I knew I have to stand up again one of these days
But till then, I will mourn as if I’ve died a thousand times

9 june 06
21:00

Sand castle

You hold out your hands to me
I put out my own hands to touch yours
Will you come with me? You asked
I said, I’ll go anywhere with you
And you slipped your arm around my waist
And I leaned toward your embrace
Let’s go to my sand castle, you said
I nodded for I didn’t care where you take me
And even if the sand castle crumbled
While we make love inside it
And even if the sand buried us alive
I’ll still go with you
Whenever and wherever you want me to

6 June 06 20:10

If only

If only I could make you see
The color of my heart inside
I truly have nothing to hide
But a love that’s deep as the sea

If only I could let you be
The sole guardian of my fragile heart
You will sure to see that it’s not to hard
To love me as long as can be

If only I could make you mine
And hold you in my arms so tight
For nothing ever feel more right
Than loving under stars that shine

5 June 06 21:55

The Night Had Come

The night had come to claim the day
From all men who were left behind
With unfinished business and untamed hearts
Surrendered halfheartedly till the next day come

The moon had come to ease the pain
Of all the maidens’ broken hearts
With long lost loves and forgotten dreams
Wrapped wholeheartedly till the next love come

The stars had come to bring new hope
For nobody’s child who roamed the night
With tattered clothes and crumbs of stale bread
Eaten and savored till the next meal come

The morning will come to bring new light
For all humankinds who open themselves
To new struggles, sufferings and finally
Victories that come to those who earned them

17 June 2006 22:40

Going home

And now we’ve traveled way too long
Along some winding, dusty road
My old horse neighed and suddenly stopped
Silently digesting what laid right ahead

I whistled out a battered song
And brushed my horse’s matted coat
There was a mountain to be topped
Before we reached our final bed

The climb was hard and way too long
For my horse with me as his load
I stepped down soon before he sobbed
I wanted none of us to arrive home dead

I was glad that nothing went way wrong
As we passed the final stretch of road
Boys played, girls combed, a lady mopped
A place called home that lied ahead

25 May 2006 20:25

I’m not going anywhere

My shouts have gone unheard
My self has gone unnoticed
But I continued to roam against current
To embrace my life long destiny

I knocked but no doors ‘re opened
My greetings have been unacknowledged
But I climbed in thru the window
To claim what rightfully is mine

My ways have gone unappreciated
I spoke but I found no one listening
But I continued to stand and tell the world
Like it or not, I’m here to stay

And so I shout but louder now
And I knocked more incessantly
Till none of me can be ignored
Because I’m not going anywhere

25 May 06 19:50