I wish I could let me go

Sometimes I wish I could let me go
To my disdain, lately
That time has come more and more often
Suffocating me beyond what I can bear
Each time more intense than before
Hurting me slowly, surely, strongly
Hurting me hard I wish I could just let me go
Sometimes I wish it hard enough
Hoping it will come true
“it will come true if you wish hard enough,” they say
but when I get up in the morning …
after wishing so hard that it hurts …
I still couldn’t let me go
Each night …
Each very night …
I sleep with a new wishful hope
Waking up only to be disappointed once more
Again …
And again …
And I still couldn’t let me go
Until when do I have to put up with this?
Sometimes I just feel like bursting it all out
I rehearse it several times
Picturing myself picking up the phone
And bursting it all out
It is one of those times
When I wish I could let me go
Which, lately, to my disdain
Has come more and more often
How I wish I could let me go

April 1996