I wake up before my alarm went off that morning

I wake up before my alarm went off that morning
Knowing that unlike all the previous days, that day would be different
Silently, I brushed my hair
and I found myself unconsciously glancing
at the cordless phone that was sitting quietly beside my pillow
Yesterday and on the days before it, it should’ve been ringing by now
But that day I knew it wouldn’t,
still I kept glancing at it, hoping it would ring
And the silence suffocated me
So I got ready for work at full speed

I reached the office one hour early that morning
Realizing that that day was indeed going to be different
I sat down at my desk
And my hand immediately reached for the phone
Only to slowly put it down again
Yesterday and on the days before it, I should have dialed your number
To let you know that I was at the office safe and sound
But that day I knew you didn’t care anymore,
still I recited your number inside my heart
And the emptiness strangled me
So I started immersing myself in my work

Soon it was lunch time
And I realized I hadn’t bother to look for lunch companion
After all I never had to before
But that day was different
I looked around and asked my neighbor in the next cubicle
“Sorry, my boyfriend is picking me up for lunch,” she said
“Never mind,” I thought, “I’ll plan better tomorrow”
And suddenly I realized I could make all the plans by myself now
That should’ve pleased me
Instead, that scared me almost to tears

I walked down to my office lobby
And waited in front of the receptionist desk
Only to remember I had nobody to wait for
Still I looked around to see if your smile was there
Just like yesterday and on the other days before it
But that day was different
The buzzing crowd made me dizzy
And I walked down town alone

On my way back to the office I saw a beautiful dress on a store’s showcase
I came in to try it on
It clinged well to my body
And I thought if you would like it
But I would never know, would I?
So I put the dress back on its hanger and hurried back to the office

On the way home I decided to just get some Chinese
For I couldn’t bear sitting alone in the restaurant
Watching couples sharing thoughts and laughs
Maybe in a while but not that day
That day it would be just too painful
To watch lost moments that I would never get back

In the driveway I looked for a familiar license plate
Only to realize that there shouldn’t be any
Still I couldn’t refrain from looking
Just in case you changed your mind
And stopped by to say you missed me
I guessed it was just a wishful thinking
For your car was nowhere within sight

I unlocked my apartment door
It was cold and dark
Just like my heart had been on that day
On my first day without you

9 Dec 98 16:54