Arleen's Poem

That One Mile

2010-12-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

When day turns into night
And night turns into light
Time goes on and so does life
But once in a while
You do find a mile
On which a walk feels like an eternity
At that time you realize
Things that truly matter materialize
There is but one question lingers
Why me and not others?

When day turns into night
And night turns into light
Time goes on and so does life
And you find yourself trotting
Along the mile you find yourself crawling
The world is never again the same
You see it thru a completely new frame
But you start to get the feeling
That you'll manage to keep on living
That one mile that feels like forever
Has changed you and the ones you hold dear

But as long as day turns into night
And night continues to turn into light
There's nothing else to do but to go on
For as long as you have God in your heart,
And as long as you have your loved ones near
There is no mile that you can't conquer

24 Dec 2010

This Second Time Around

2010-08-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

The first time around,
Love stroke hard and fast
My heart was snatched right there and then
In front of my very own eyes
I cried immediately
Hit hard by love's strength and intensity

This second time around,
Love sneaked slowly
Growing steadily, something I wasn't aware of
My heart was stolen bit by bit behind my back
It was totally gone by the time I realized it
And suddenly I realized,I had, again, been hit hard by love's strength and intensity

Both came at different times
Both came in different ways
And yet each timeI found myself helplessly enslaved by love

27 June 2010
(Welcoming Aaron, 16 June 2010)

There’s nothing new about me at all

2009-03-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

My birthday is here again
Another year has passed all of a sudden
And when I look myself in the eyes
There’s really nothing new about me

I’m still the same old me
Who find new ways of expressing my self
I’m still the same old me
Who seeks new sides of many same people

My eyes are still the same pair of eyes
Which cry new tears every so often
My lips are still the same pair of lips
That carry new laughter over familiar things

I still do what I always do
Building new courage to do many new things
I still embrace what I always embrace
New days, new opportunities and new experience

Even the efforts that I make are still the same
To find new happiness over the simplest things
And my approach toward failure doesn’t change
to make new attempts, new fights and new struggles

I’m definitely the same old me
Who try to find new hopes every single day
I’m definitely the same old me
Who fill every night with new found dreams

You see, I’m still the same old me
There’s nothing new about me at all

Happy Bday to me
15 Mar 2009
(written 10 February 2009)

Aku menulis

2008-08-15T01:39:00.001-07:00

(Celebrating 34 years as a human being, 4 years as a writer)

Aku menulis bukan tentang diri
Aku menulis tentang mimpi

Aku menulis bukan di atas lembaran
Aku menulis di atas kehidupan

Aku menulis bukan di kala senggang
Aku menulis di kala senang

Aku menulis bukan demi ketenaran
Aku menulis demi kebebasan

Aku menulis bukan dengan tinta
Aku menulis dengan cinta

Aku menulis bukan memakai pikiran
Aku menulis memakai perasaan

Aku menulis bukan karena harus berjaya
Aku menulis karena haus berkarya

Aku menulis bukan untuk menghakimi
Aku menulis untuk menggarami

Aku menulis bukan untuk membuktikan
Aku menulis untuk merasakan

Aku menulis bukan sekedar penghiburan
Aku menulis untuk merayakan kehidupan

Arleen
15 Mar 2008

In a coffee shop at the corner of Dong Khoi and Lam Son

2007-07-03T01:41:00.001-07:00

In a coffee shop at the corner of Dong Khoi and Lam Son
I sat in front of my salad and the Prince of Tides
Motorcyclist whizzing by with no helmet
Louis Vuitton signboard stood majestically across the street
I was waiting for my husband and daughter to come back
They were still on a boat somewhere along the Mekong Delta
Looking at people making rice crackers and coconut candies
I ate my lettuce and bit my olive
I let Pat Conroy take me all the way to South Carolina
Still, I had the chance to glimpse at a basket of mangosteen on a motorcycle,
Children running,
And European tourists on siklo
And that’s how I spent my third afternoon in Ho Chi Min city
While waiting for the rivers of Mekong Delta
Delivering my family back to me

Ho Chi Min city, Vietnam, 8 June 2007. 13:31

Note : Vietnam used to be occupied by French so there are some French influence. Siklo is a Vietnamese becak. Prince of Tides is a novel by Pat Conroy about the life of a shrimp fisherman family in South Caroline

Where are you, really?

2007-05-18T19:32:00.002-07:00

I thought I saw you the other day
The same smile that spelled love
The same gaze that spelled hope
And I reached out my hand to touch yours
Only to find yours so far away
Blown by the wind that swept
The leaves north towards a different life

I thought I saw you the other night
The same moves that was so inviting
The same words that was so intriguing
And I ran out to hold you
Only to find a shadow on the wall
Wiped off by the candle that burned
my wish away into nothingness

Where are you, really?

19 May 2007 09:27

Holding On

2007-05-18T19:32:00.001-07:00

I didn’t expect it to be easy
I didn’t expect to find you right away
But when hope was sowed
And empty love was harvested
A heart can do nothing but weep
But after all the tears have been shed
And when all the bones are crunched in disappointment
There is nothing to do but holding on
I didn’t expect it to be fast
I didn’t expect to see you at the next corner
So there is nothing to do but holding on

March 2007

Lies

2007-05-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

I asked for love and you served me lies
I asked for hope and you gave me deceptions
Lies served on a silver platter
Deceptions wrapped in a velvet box
What I really want is just one true love
And even if it’s served on a broken china
And even if it’s wrapped in a crumpled newspaper
I still want my one true love
And not your bejeweled lies

February 2007

A Walk with my Birthday

2007-03-11T22:09:00.001-07:00

Without any warning, without any reminder
My birthday has crept up on me again this year
Tapping me hard on my shoulder when I least expected him
And quickly embraced me before I could run away

And when he saw the surprised look on my face
He smiled the usual teasing smile
“Don’t tell me you were not expecting me!
I know that you know I’d be coming today.”

He took me by my arm and forced me to walk with him
Just like last year and all the years before
I forced a smile, knowing I had no choice
I forced a step, knowing I had no other option

“You used to like me when you were smaller
Waiting for my visit so impatiently.
Running into my arms when you saw me coming.
What happened between us? You know I never changed.”

I knew he was right for he never changed one bit
He came right on time every year without fail
Always the same smile, always the same walk
It was me who changed as the years have gone by

I don’t quite know when I started to wish
That my birthday wouldn’t come creeping anymore
But I know he’ll continue to come no matter what
He will always come for our annual birthday walk

“Why am I not welcomed now?
Do you hate life so much that you don’t want me?”
I told him it was because I love life so much
That I didn’t like the way he crept up on me every year

My birthday just shrugged his shoulder
As if I didn’t make any sense at all
We were almost at the end of our walk
And he stopped to look at me one last time

“You can not love life and not have me
You either have us both, or lose us both.”
I looked in his eyes and saw it was true
And we finished the last mile of our walk in silence

He embraced me once more before he went away
“I’ll see you next year,” he whispered in my ears
I forced a nod, knowing I had no choice
I forced a smile, knowing I had no other options

I stood up still as he waved me good bye
I always feel empty on the day I take my birthday walk
But at least, there is still a year before my next walk with him
And till then, I will continue to do what I’ve always and will always do …

celebrate life while I still can

Happy Bday to me
15 Mar 2007
(written 9 Mar 2007 20:18)

I met my childhood sweetheart today

2007-01-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

I met my childhood sweetheart today
And she looked as pretty as I remember her to be
When we played hide and seek twenty odd years back
When I was so sure we were going to be together forever

But no too long after, she did go away
And my heart was cruelly taken away from me
So I started to search for her everywhere
And I would never stop until the day I find her

I didn’t care what other people say
I wasn’t wasting my life but they just couldn’t understand
That I had to search every road, every aisle, every row
And I bound to meet her sooner or later

I thought about her every night, every day
And I was sure at the very moment, she was also searching for me
And one day we would find each other again
And then we would just fall into each others’ arms, into each other’s lives

I always knew I would find her someday
But I wasn’t prepared that I would run into her today
Twenty odd years have come and go
And she still held my heart tightly in her hands

For a moment or two I couldn’t find anything to say or do
I stared at her, not believing what I saw
And I reached out my hand to see if she was real
She took a step back, out of my reach

Then she hesitantly reached out her hand towards me
And I was overjoyed or thinking what would come next
We would surely fall into each others’ arms
And my lifelong search would finally be over

But instead, she was just handing me back my heart
“sorry I’ve kept it for so long,” she said
“but I really didn’t know where I could find you”
Then she turned her back on me and walked away

I was left with my heart on my hand
And I saw that it was already broken

1 Jan 2007 19:27

At Bras Basah

2007-01-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

It was a Sunday afternoon down at Bras Basah
I was sitting by the escalator with a stack of secondhand books
The rain started to fall, wetting the floor of the semi outdoor complex
It was actually a perfect day for book shopping,
But there was not that many people at Bras Basah that day
A few walked pass me, with Popular plasticbag in their hands
I know where the thers were! They were down at Orchard to look at the Christmas lights
I sure haven’t been here for the past many Christmasses
But still I prefer to be here at Bras Basah than there at Orchard
Walking through aisles of books whose smell I know so well
Bringing back old memories and I suddenly thought of you
We used to come together to Bras Basah
Where a mere 10 dollar can get us quite many good reads
And the aisles at the philosophy section can hide a kiss or two
But those belong to another decade which seems like another life
And that was not the reason why I came back today
I gathered my books and got ready to leave
Then I saw a man in a white shirt typing sms into his cellphone
And a moment after, our glances met and locked
And for a time that seemed like eternity, we just looked at each other in disbelief
I trully didn’t come for him but he was there at Bras Basah
And when he offered his hand, I gladly accepted
No words was said as we entered a secondhand bookstore hand in hand
But we both knew we were heading right to the Philosophy section

Bras Basah Complex, Singapore
Sunday 24 Dec 2006, 15:44

I caught your gaze among the crowds today

2006-11-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

I caught your gaze among the crowds today
My heart couldn’t help but skip a beat
I remember the day that you went away
The day my heart had been badly hit

It’s been so long but the pain’s still clear
And I knew that you knew and you saw it, too
If I’d only known that I’d meet you here
I wouldn’t have come and wouldn’t have you

We have hurt each other badly in the past
With no one else to blame but us
Day by day grinding our precious love to dust
For pride had clearly come between us

And when we decided not to fight
We truly didn’t have anything left anyway
The pain was so real and nothing seemed right
We had no more tears to shed and nothing more to say

And in all those years that I spent without you
I couldn’t help but wonder if you did still care
Have we really changed from lover into foe?
Have all of our dreams been changed to nightmare?

I saw the answer in your gaze today
The same regret that I’ve carried for years
We held our gazes and then looked away
I knew it was too late and I fought back my tears

So once again, we walked away from each other
Silently agreeing that today never happened
For there’s simply no hope to be together
When two hearts had been so badly burnt

We walked away and didn’t look back
We shouldn’t have met today or ever
It added to the burden that was already too heavy to drag
For ours was a lost case, a lost love, lost forever

You shouldn’t have caught my gaze among the crowds today
But we have held our gazes far too long
We’ve seen questions, regrets but no answer before looking away
And continued our separate lives under a sad sad song

We shouldn’t have caught each other’s gazes among the crowds today
So at least we could continue our endless sorrowful waiting
Now that we’ve met again, I have nothing to say
For all the pain that if brought, love is just one sorrowful thing

Arleen Amidjaja
25 Oct 06
14:40

Two years, eight months and eighty books later …

2006-11-01T23:58:00.001-08:00

Two years and eight months ago
I thought it would only be a summer fling
When I reached out for a pen and started writing
I didn’t think it would last more than a few pen strokes

Two years and eight months ago
I started writing and didn’t stop
Line by line and page by page
And I thought I would stop after the book was done

Two years and eight months ago
I started carrying my pen everywhere
And the urge to write got stronger and stronger
And I started to realize it wasn’t just a summer fling

Two years, eight months and eighty books later
I’m still writing and know for sure
That writing is a lifetime commitment
And my pen and I are here to stay

Arleen Amidjaja
17 Oct 06
20:15

Empty Weekends and Empty Hearts

2006-11-01T23:58:00.000-08:00

As this workweek comes to an end
And others are looking forward
To spend time with family and loved ones
I drag myself home
With nothing but a numbness within
For an empty heart is all I’ve got
And that makes weekends unbearable
What’s the use of all the praises
Of projects well done and target achieved
If I can’t even face
Another weekend of empty apartment

I stopped by blockbuster on my way home
To get yet another pile of movies
Stories of lives that do nothing
But reminding me of my own lifeless life
The shopkeeper nodded and smiled
With the look that said, “I know you’ll come today,
I was sure I even dared
To bet my house on this!”
I went out without renting anything from him that night
Just to get a glimpse of shock on the shopkeeper’s face
And I drove around to another blockbuster on the next block
Which I would go every week from then on
Till I get the same nod and the same look from the shopkeeper
After which I would just find another blockbuster
Just like the way I call one pizza place after another
As soon as the delivery boy could drive to my place blindfolded
They were just shopkeepers and delivery boys
And yet, during weekends, they are both richer than me
And they know it
They always do.

My friends say I need a new love
But how can I have a new love
When I don’t even have a real heart?
My heart is but a hollow shell
Hollowed by a girl who had long gone
So I only have room for my loyal companies:
A pile of moves and boxes of pizza
They will see me though the dreaded weekends
They will tide me over till Mondays come
When I can once again belong to the actions
That will at least make me forget about my empty hearts
Until the dreaded Fridays come again
Until it’s time for me to stop by Blockbuster again.

16 July 2006 19:40

Elegy on Motherhood

2006-11-01T23:57:00.001-08:00

I used to be the master of my own time
Using it in ways that please my young heart
Never with caution for I always had plenty
To splurge around everything and even around nothing

I used to be the owner of my very own heart
Flaunting it so gaily for there was no burden
Each step lightly taken as the road’s flat and smooth
To run towards places or even toward nowhere

I used to be the center of my living universe
Living it in ways that suit my own style
Took it for granted for I knew no other way
To have been served by many and also by myself

And then …
I entered motherhood…

And now even one second is deemed worth saving
For time has become both so precious and scarce
With nappies to change and bottles to wash
As the sand in the hourglass came pouring down fast

And now even my heart was stolen fro me
And held in a pair of small tiny hands
I was soon enough lost in each look, in each smile
I’ve been abruptly imprisoned as a slave of love

And now I have found the center of mynew universe
A universe so demanding and yet so rewarding
A labyrinth of emotions that I have to conquer
To serve, to be hurt for love in return

I have traded everything for love
And I will gladly do it again

Sunday 25 June 2006 22:10

An Artist’ Cycle of Emotion

2006-11-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

Splashing the paint onto my canvas
Painting anger, my heart’s full of rage
Blotches of paint dripping on the floor
As my heart was torn and then bled to death

Striking the brush onto my canvas
Painting frustration with full pounding heart
Streaks of paint scratching my bare hands
As my heart beat fast and I gasped for breath

Dropping the brush into my water bucket
Colors spreading out clouding my helpless heart
Droplets of water easing the open wound
As my heart fought to cure and to live

Sweeping the brush onto a new canvas
Painting fragile love begging for acceptance
Lines and lines of colors decorating days
As my hands trembled to embrace new love

And …
Until my heart is broken once more,
I will continue to paint shameless love

25 July 06 20:55

When you left

2006-11-01T23:56:00.000-08:00

When I saw you walking out that door
I felt the whole world’s closing in on me
Still, I knew you won’t be coming back
So there was nothing I could do but letting go

When you turned to look at me for one last time
I felt a droplet of hope dripping down on me
Still, it disappeared like a drop of water int the sand
So I didn’t even try to catch it with my bare hands

When I saw you walking further out
I felt the emptiness attacking my soul
Still, I knew that the worse was not over yet
So I braced myself and strived to be strong

When you have finally moved out of my range of sight
I found myself seated on the floor like a pile of rags
Still, I knew I have to stand up again one of these days
But till then, I will mourn as if I’ve died a thousand times

9 june 06
21:00

Sand castle

2006-11-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

You hold out your hands to me
I put out my own hands to touch yours
Will you come with me? You asked
I said, I’ll go anywhere with you
And you slipped your arm around my waist
And I leaned toward your embrace
Let’s go to my sand castle, you said
I nodded for I didn’t care where you take me
And even if the sand castle crumbled
While we make love inside it
And even if the sand buried us alive
I’ll still go with you
Whenever and wherever you want me to

6 June 06 20:10

If only

2006-11-01T23:51:00.001-08:00

If only I could make you see
The color of my heart inside
I truly have nothing to hide
But a love that’s deep as the sea

If only I could let you be
The sole guardian of my fragile heart
You will sure to see that it’s not to hard
To love me as long as can be

If only I could make you mine
And hold you in my arms so tight
For nothing ever feel more right
Than loving under stars that shine

5 June 06 21:55

The Night Had Come

2006-11-01T23:51:00.000-08:00

The night had come to claim the day
From all men who were left behind
With unfinished business and untamed hearts
Surrendered halfheartedly till the next day come

The moon had come to ease the pain
Of all the maidens’ broken hearts
With long lost loves and forgotten dreams
Wrapped wholeheartedly till the next love come

The stars had come to bring new hope
For nobody’s child who roamed the night
With tattered clothes and crumbs of stale bread
Eaten and savored till the next meal come

The morning will come to bring new light
For all humankinds who open themselves
To new struggles, sufferings and finally
Victories that come to those who earned them

17 June 2006 22:40

Going home

2006-11-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

And now we’ve traveled way too long
Along some winding, dusty road
My old horse neighed and suddenly stopped
Silently digesting what laid right ahead

I whistled out a battered song
And brushed my horse’s matted coat
There was a mountain to be topped
Before we reached our final bed

The climb was hard and way too long
For my horse with me as his load
I stepped down soon before he sobbed
I wanted none of us to arrive home dead

I was glad that nothing went way wrong
As we passed the final stretch of road
Boys played, girls combed, a lady mopped
A place called home that lied ahead

25 May 2006 20:25

I’m not going anywhere

2006-11-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

My shouts have gone unheard
My self has gone unnoticed
But I continued to roam against current
To embrace my life long destiny

I knocked but no doors ‘re opened
My greetings have been unacknowledged
But I climbed in thru the window
To claim what rightfully is mine

My ways have gone unappreciated
I spoke but I found no one listening
But I continued to stand and tell the world
Like it or not, I’m here to stay

And so I shout but louder now
And I knocked more incessantly
Till none of me can be ignored
Because I’m not going anywhere

25 May 06 19:50

The balloon seller

2006-10-18T03:36:00.000-07:00

You stood along a dusty rod
Watching cars passing by
Your bicycle stood before you
As loyal and silent company

You saw some children who took note
Of birds who flew way up high
And knew that they would like what you
Would give in exchange of some money

You reached for a maroon balloon
Put some air to let it fly
And knew those children will come soon
To buy some nice balloons

You sold all that you had at noon
Your waist pouch full of precious notes
You whistled out your favorite tune
And rode your bike back home

Tomorrow is another day
To make the tiny children smile
Selling balloon is just the way
To travel mile by mile

13 May 06 23:10

Sampai saat ini

2006-10-18T03:35:00.000-07:00

(After all this time)

Bahkan sampai saat ini
Dirimu slalu ada dalam benakku
Senyummu, wajahmu dan sinar matamu
Kenangan berakar di lubuk hatiku

Bahkan sampai saat ini
Kucari dirimu di antara keramaian
Kuingin kau melihatku lagi
Dan tak lagi menganggap aku tiada

Bahkan sampai saat ini
Aku tersesat di tengah lautan harapan
Bertumpu selembar papan yang penuh dusta
Berpegang pada mimpi yang dulu dan yang akan ada

Dan aku tahu sampai saat ini
Kau tetap terbang di luar jangkauan
Tapi bahkan sampai saat ini
Kuharap suatu hari kau kan datang untukku

11 May 2006 07:35

After all this time

2006-10-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Even after all this time
I think about you every now and then
You smile, your face, your gazing eyes
A memory deeply rooted in my heart

Even after all this time
I long to see you among the crowd
To find you looking back at me
And not see thru me like I wasn’t there

Even after all this time
I’m hopelessly lost in the sea of hope
Hanging on to a fragile plank of lies
Holding on to all past and future dreams

And I know after all this time
You still fly far beyond my reach
But even after all this time
I hope you’ll one day come for me

11 May 2006 07:35

Di kala hati

2006-10-18T03:33:00.000-07:00

Di kala hati terjebak jaring
Terikat tali belenggu besi
Tiada kuasa tuk pergi bebas,
Tuk lari jauh, tuk terbang tinggi

Hati tertinggal terbeban duka
Mencari asa meraba gelap
Terbentur hampa hitam encekam
Terhempas pilu sakit mendaging

Di kala hati bebas kembali
Menerpa angina menyapa burung
Jaring yang koyak sejarang nyata
Masa yang lalu berbalut nyeri

Kini sang hati terbang mencari
Cinta yang baru, cinta yang ada
Cinta yang suci memberi hidup
Memberi arah, memberi asa

Di kala hati tlah pulih lagi
Semua cerah rona membara
Membakar jiwa rasakan cinta
Tiada lagi yang lebih indah

2 May 2006 21:05

Lost Love

2006-10-18T03:32:00.000-07:00

When I first saw you there in the old school days
You looked past my mask right into my soul
And I had a slight hope that you’re willing to stay
To walk by my side forever and more

Then we strolled hand in hand on some winding roads
You walked away once and never look back
And I waited each night till my candles burnt out
You’ve left me behind and never come home

When I then realized we’re half world apart
My tears have erased all the memories we had
And I stopped my waiting and strived to live on
To walk by myself for as long as I need

Then on one afternoon when the rain beat my roof
You knocked on my door and saw right thru my heart
If only you told me you would come again soon
I would have waited standing at my door

But now you’re just a shadow of what could have been
Remnants of the past when time was different
So I waved you good bye and shut my door tight
Our paths have once split we could go back no more

17 April 2006 21:20

Hanya Cinta Titipan

2006-10-18T03:31:00.001-07:00

Jika dulu sempat kauberikan
Sedikit cintamu tuk kusimpan
Ku tahu itu bukan selamanya
Hanya sampai saat kau minta

Setelah lama kau biarkan aku
Menyimpan cinta dan juga rindu
Tetapi ku tahu waktunya ada
Saat kau datang menagih cinta

Cinta yang dulu masih rapi kusimpan
Walaupun hanya cinta titipan
Kuharap suatu hari kan jadi milikku
Bila kau datang membawa rindu

Tapi kau datang tuk meminta lagi
Cinta yang dulu sempat kauberi
Maka kukembalikan utuh padamu
Walau hatiku berbeban pilu

Dari dulu memang kutahu
Cintamu hanya cinta titipan

15 April 2006 11:22

Menggapai Awan

2006-10-18T03:31:00.000-07:00

Menggapai awan sepenuh jiwa

Berbekal tulang, asa dan cinta

Terkadang hampa, sesak di hati

Terkulai lesu tangisi diri

Namun kubangkit teguhkan hati

Masihlah ada awan menanti

Walau menempuh jalan mendaki

Akan kucoba langkahkan kaki

Sampai kujatuh terdera batu

Ragaku kaku hati membeku

Seolah tak kuasa untuk melaju

Terduduk ragu menangis pilu

Kucoba lagi kumpulkan asa

Tabahkan hati cairkan luka

Terus melangkah terus mendaki

Menggapai awan sampai kumati

29 Mar 06 20:12

Tiada Cinta, Tiada Asa

2006-10-18T03:30:00.001-07:00

Kala kau pergi entah ke mana
Kuharap ada asa yang sisa
Tuk kusimpan sampai ke masa
Ragamu datang membawa cinta

Kalaku tahu kau tak kembali
Asa yang dulu pun tiada lagi
Hanya da tangis dan luka hati
Membungkus rapat raga dan diri

Jikapun nanti hatimu ada
Kutau hatiku tak pernah lupa
Walaupun cinta tak kenal masa
Ku tau kita takkan bersama

Waktu tuk kita sudah berlalu
Dimakan zaman hancur mendebu
Terlampau jauh untuk menyatu
Terlalu lama untuk mengaku

Waktukau pergi tanpa berita
Harusnya kutau tiada asa
Waktu kau hilang tanpa bayangan
Kutau cinta tinggal kenantan

28 Mar 06 21:30

The Little Girl at the Burial Ground

2006-10-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

At my ancestor’s burial ground at dawn
I saw a little girl running about
She was barely three years old
Thought her eyes showed premature maturity

She looked at me with steady eyes
As if there’s no question, no mystery
As if she’d seen me a hundred times before
Paying respects to my ancestors

I know she’d never seen me before
For I haven’t been back for too long
But I can tell she’d been around
other visitors to the burial ground

The little girl with dirty ribbed clothes
Squatting down a few steps from me
As I took out my offerings
She couldn’t help but stare at them

When I went about doing my ritual
She went about to do hers as well
Pulling flowers, weed and leaves
Sniffing them and pulled some more

I sat before the gray gravestone
With the girl as my only company
Even though nothing’s said between us
I was glad that she was there that day

As the sun went up and shone on us
I noticed her weather-battered skin
That framed her big inquisitive eyes
Which looked more and more often at my offerings

Perhaps while I thought about the past
She was thinking about the future
About the near future in which I’m gone
And she can freely eat the oranges

I took my time and she continued to wait
Patiently till I was ready to take my leave
I packed my stuff but left the oranges
Right on the offering table

I left it not for my ancestors’ spirit
But for the little girl in dirty ribbed clothes
Who had accompanied me that morning
And waited for the oranges

26 Mar 06

Tortured

2006-10-18T03:29:00.000-07:00

For one true love I’ve left behind
For all the dreams I’ve set aside
I have a regret of some kind
For my so clearly lack of fight

And now I stand and mourn alone
And shed my tears that’s way past due
And feel the pains right thru my bone
Ones I caused rather than my foe

I always wonder why I did
not stand and put a fight for us
And now all that I have is bit
and pieces of things from the past

Like empty hopes and broken dream
I know will always haunt me still
And even if I cry and scream
As far as farthest vale and hill

And now I sleep and cry alone
Until my tears have flowed no more
For the only true live I have known
Has left me empty to the core

I paid for giving up too soon
For not fighting for love that’s mine
And now my life I know is ruined
And nothing seems so fair or fine

If only I could turn back time
To hold you in my arms again
My days’ll be full of songs and rhyme
And not just breathing soul in vain

26 Mar 06

Losing

2006-07-29T04:14:00.000-07:00

When true love lost its wings
The whole world starts to wound
And the blowing wind sings
The saddest maiden’s tune

And I walked without destination
Without hope, without passion
And even though my heart continues to beat
I know that I’ve been deadly hit

Since the other day I lost you
In the sea of lost love, hopeless and drowning
I have lost myself, too
In the deep sorrowful mourning

For I have lost the love of my soul
And there’s nothing else I can face
For I have no more life, no more role
Till I find my love again in a faraway place

17 Mar 06

Thirty two Heart Beats

2006-07-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

(A contemplation on my 32nd Bday)

When you look at each day separately,
Each day is not that much different from the day before.
When you look at each week separately,
They are just a string of seven days sewn together side by side.

A month is just made of four weeks or a bit more, but not much more.
And most of the time, last month feels just like the month before it.
And let me tell you about a year!
Each year has the habit of moving at record speed.

So one day, one ordinary day, a day that was not much different from the day before it,
I found myself being thirty two.
And I wonder where all those years had gone.

Of course I have lived each and every single day.
Of course I have lived each and every single week.. and month… and year.
And yet, thirty two years sound like a long time but feel like thirty two heart beats.

How I wish I remember where I was at every heart beat.
How I hope I have treasured each and every heart beat.
For if we don’t live that way,
We can’t really say that we have lived at all.

15 March 2006

Singapore Thirteen Years Later

2006-07-29T04:11:00.001-07:00

I stopped by Singapore just the other day
I didn’t chose to be there but I just had to
And all the memories came flooding back
And filled me with feelings I never knew I had

Looking at my old school, the building was brand new
If it wouldn’t for the name on its gate, I wouldn’t recognize it
And the once so familiar street was not familiar anymore
And walking inside a building I used to visit a lot was like walking into a brand new building

I looked among the faces I saw on the street,
Trying to find one or two familiar faces. I found none.
How could the taxi driver told me nothing have changed?
When I found changed streets, changed buildings and
I guess a city grows together with its people.
And I guess I have grown, too

Thirteen years are not a short period of time
And maybe I’m not the exact same girl that I used to be
But I’ll keep my own memories forever,
I’ll save my own version of the city
And even if in the end, there’s nothing same aside from the name, Singapore,
I will always remember that I once had you as a second home
15 Feb 06

Life’s Big Wheel

2006-07-29T04:11:00.000-07:00

Setting on the road of life
When every turn brings tears and laughs
And every second’s brand new sight
That feels so wrong and yet so right

And none knows what the next heart beat brings
Will there be joy or sufferings
But there’s always end to everything
The darkest dark will be ending

When one’s on top of life’s big wheel
The sun shines thru and joy’s so real
Remember our brothers down below
Don’t look away but let love grow

For love can help us bear all things
Endure the pain and worst of stings
Till life’s big wheel turn round again
And rainbow comes after the rain

24 Jan 06

About Butterflies, Strangers and Lovers

2006-07-29T04:07:00.000-07:00

Adults were once babies.
Butterflies were once caterpillars.
Clothes were once just pieces of yarn
and lovers were once strangers.

Maybe it was magic but then again maybe not.
Maybe it was mother nature and also work of fate.
Maybe there were lots of efforts involved or maybe none at all.
But when strangers turn into lovers, the whole world celebrates.
(at least that’s how it seems)
And al the flowers are of bright red hue
And even the crows all sing the best of tunes

How I wish lovers are like butterflies.
For clothes can be ripped back into yarns
And adults can sometimes act like babies.
But butterflies can never again be caterpillars.
Once a butterfly, forever flying beautifully.
Too bad lovers are not like butterflies.

And when lovers turn back into strangers, the whole world mouns and weeps.
Thus the love they once found, was once again unfound.
And the hearts were shattered… shattered worse than the ripped clothes.

But life continues to go on
(althougth that’s not always how it seems)
more babies become adult, more yarns made into clothes
and more caterpillars turn into butterflies
And strangers remain strangers… until they turn into lovers
And the whole world celebrates once again

14 Jan 06

Who have I been in the past 30 years?

2006-07-23T02:17:00.001-07:00

(a woman’s contemplation on her 30th B’day)

I guess I have been a traveler
Traveling roads with junctions and corners
Choosing new roads at every junction
Founding surprises at every corner

I guess I have been a witness
Witnessing events so pleasing others disturbing
Biting my tongue when I felt I should’ve shouted
Singing my voice to be heard others ignored

I guess I have been a discoverer
Discovering new feelings and responses
Swallowing feelings I never knew I could feel
Spiting responses I never knew I could make

I guess I have been a player
Giving and receiving with and without awareness
Teaching and learning with and without syllabus
Laughing and crying with and without scripts

I guess I have been an actor
Playing the scripts that I wrote and that others wrote
Playing scripts that were never written
Rewriting scripts along the play

I guess I have been an artist
Drawing my breaths of joy and happiness
Singing my pains and others with my tongue
Painting my life and others with my hands

Most importantly, I have been somebody
Somebody who does something to somebody
Somebody who is somebody to somebody
And I was never a nobody

15 Mar 2005

Terkadang cinta datang

2006-07-23T02:17:00.000-07:00

Terkadang cinta datang
Lebih cepat dari yang kauduga
Terkadang ia tinggal
Dan menjadi bagian dalam hidupmu

Terkadang cinta pergi
Secepat ia datang
Dan semua tinggal buram
Seolah dunia hanya hitam putih

Bila cinta datang
Rangkullah cepat-cepat
Tapi jangan erat-erat
Karena cinta tak suka belenggu

Tapi jika ia kemudian harus pergi
Lepaskanlah dan relakan
Dan meskipun air mata datang berurai
Jangan lupa tuk hidup lagi

Nov 2004

Penabur Asa

2006-07-23T02:16:00.001-07:00

Jika pernah ada asa yang kumiliki
Tlah kutabur di dalam sinar matamu
Tapi tak pernah kau pantulkan asa itu
Tak pernah pula kau genggam di tanganmu

Maka aku terus menabur asa
Sampai habis tak tersisa
Dan hatimu tetap kau bungkus rapi
Tak terjangkau asaku yang sedih

Jika pernah ada asa yang kutabur
Di mana kau menapakkan kaki
Asa itu telah hilang entah kemana
Hanya tinggal aku si penabur asa

Nov 2004

How could I have loved

2006-07-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder …
In all those years not too long ago
How could I have slept through the nights
Without knowing you’d be there tomorrow
How could I have faced the days
Before I’ve ever known you at all
How could I have felt at home
Without being at your side
How could I have had hopes
Before you started filling them
But most of all I wonder
In all those years not too distant away
How could I have lived my life without you
How could I have loved before I love you

22 Mar 99, 19:00

A Quarter

2006-07-23T02:13:00.000-07:00

….. A Brief Contemplation on my 25th Birthday …..

Today I have lived exactly for a quarter of a century
And yet,
I have neither said nor done a quarter of the things I should’ve said and done
Haven’t even had a quarter as many good intentions as I should’ve had
Have neither known nor understood a quarter of the things I should’ve known and understood
Haven’t even learned a quarter of what’s out there to be learned
Have neither achieved nor been close to achieve a quarter of something admirable to be proud of
Haven’t even had the courage to decide what’s worth fighting for
Have neither touched nor changed a quarter as many lives as I would love to
Haven’t even given a quarter of kindness I should’ve been able to give
And haven’t even healed a quarter as many wounds as I planned to
In short,
I haven’t truly lived a quarter of even a quarter-full life

But then,
It doesn’t take me a quarter of a second to realize
I have definitely laughed more than a quarter of my share of laughing
Have loved more than a quarter of my share of loving
Have been loved way beyond a quarter of my share of being loved
Basically,
I have truly had much more than a quarter of my share of truly living
And,
Even though I may have had more than a quarter of my share of regrets,
They have forced me to see more than a quarter of my share of insights I would otherwise have never seen
Even though I may have done more than a quarter of my share of crying,
The tears I’ve shed were not even a quarter as heavy as those shed by others
So, I guess
Even though I’m not at all a quarter done
I have actually had a quarter of a century worth smiling about

15 Mar 74 – 15 Mar 99
(8 Mar 21:15 – 11 Mar 12:25)

By myself

2006-07-07T02:18:00.000-07:00

Despite many guidance and advice offered
Never before have I experienced
Being at such a complete state of loss
Despite the presence of so many people around
Among all the roads I’ve chosen
Never before have I traveled
Along one that is lonelier

For each and every joke that I heard
I found nobody to really laugh from the heart with
For each and every new song I knew
I had nobody to sing with the whole body with
For each and every story I heard
I found nobody to pass it meaningfully to
For each and every event along the way
I found nobody to truly share it with

There were some at some different times
Who showed that they do care
Who asked if they could share bits and pieces with me
But I didn’t want them to stay
There were others at other different times
Who touched me in ways I would never forget
Whom I want to share my days and nights with
But they didn’t stay for long, just like they never promised to

And so I continued to be by myself
Laughing at jokes, singing new songs
Listening to stories, living my life
And until I find someone
Whom I can share the rest of forever with
I’ll just continue to be by myself

29 Dec 98 12:22 noon

Of love that never truly existed

2006-07-07T02:17:00.001-07:00

Once upon a night in our lives as strangers
Our eyes accidentally caught one another
Something in the air forced us
To start something we were not supposed to have

Telling ourselves and each other lies
Pretended to hope that we could one day be together
Neither has the courage to ask
Nor to be honest to one’s true self

Once upon a night in our lives as lovers
We were so caught up in a love that we never truly share
So lost in a love that never truly existed between us
So enslaved by hopes that would never arrive

Until once upon a morning in our lives as pretenders
Something in the air reminded us where our hearts truly were
So we stopped the pretentious dreams in a rush
Letting go of things that we didn’t truly have

Painful as it was
Everything said and done were left to bear
Leaving everything in the past
We simply moved on and good bye we waved

We continued to live as strangers
But we would always remember
That once upon a day in the distant past
We were once lost in a strange and dangerous wave

Of love that never truly existed

14 Dec 98 15:20

You were never mine to begin with

2006-07-07T02:17:00.000-07:00

I thought I have had it all under control
But when I told you I could handle it,
It was myself that I was trying to convince, not you
And so far, I have been losing my way

If only I knew that I would see you at the end of the tunnel,
Things would have been much easier
But I knew that when you told me you were going to be there,
It was yourself that you were trying to convince, not me

Now that I’ve lost you forever
Please don’t try to convince me that I haven’t
It was the most unbearable pain I had to feel
Hoping you would be there, only to find that you wouldn’t

If I only knew how to let you go
I would have done it right now
But then I didn’t even need to try to do it
For I have already lost you anyway

I know you never really wanted to stay
So when you pretended that you would,
It did nothing but hurt me
And I was a fool who was fooling myself

You were never mine to begin with
Despite my hope that you would someday be
Despite your promise that you would someday be
Both of us know that you would never be

14 Dec 98 14:10

I’m waiting for you to tell me

2006-07-07T02:16:00.001-07:00

I’m waiting for you to tell me
What does your gaze carry ?
What are your smiles trying to imply ?
What do your words truly mean ?
What do your actions really tell ?

I’m waiting for you to tell me
Whom would you want to wait for you ?
Whom do you think of second by second ?
Whom would you yearn to share your dreams with ?
Whom would you give your heart to ?

I’m waiting for you to tell me
Why did you smile but looked away ?
Why did you come but went away ?
Why did you give hope but moved away ?
Why didn’t you ask if you truly wanted me ?

I’m waiting for you to tell me
Where do I stand ?
Where do I belong ?
Where will you be ?
Where do we go from here ?

I’m waiting for you to tell me
Will I ever see you again ?
Will we ever be together again ?
Will you ever come home to me ?
Will I ever know the answer ?

I’m waiting for you to tell me
How can I tell if you truly care ?
How can I ever look into your heart ?
How do I know if you never tell me ?
How am I supposed to live my life without you ?

10 Dec 98 10:40

I wake up before my alarm went off that morning

2006-07-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

I wake up before my alarm went off that morning
Knowing that unlike all the previous days, that day would be different
Silently, I brushed my hair
and I found myself unconsciously glancing
at the cordless phone that was sitting quietly beside my pillow
Yesterday and on the days before it, it should’ve been ringing by now
But that day I knew it wouldn’t,
still I kept glancing at it, hoping it would ring
And the silence suffocated me
So I got ready for work at full speed

I reached the office one hour early that morning
Realizing that that day was indeed going to be different
I sat down at my desk
And my hand immediately reached for the phone
Only to slowly put it down again
Yesterday and on the days before it, I should have dialed your number
To let you know that I was at the office safe and sound
But that day I knew you didn’t care anymore,
still I recited your number inside my heart
And the emptiness strangled me
So I started immersing myself in my work

Soon it was lunch time
And I realized I hadn’t bother to look for lunch companion
After all I never had to before
But that day was different
I looked around and asked my neighbor in the next cubicle
“Sorry, my boyfriend is picking me up for lunch,” she said
“Never mind,” I thought, “I’ll plan better tomorrow”
And suddenly I realized I could make all the plans by myself now
That should’ve pleased me
Instead, that scared me almost to tears

I walked down to my office lobby
And waited in front of the receptionist desk
Only to remember I had nobody to wait for
Still I looked around to see if your smile was there
Just like yesterday and on the other days before it
But that day was different
The buzzing crowd made me dizzy
And I walked down town alone

On my way back to the office I saw a beautiful dress on a store’s showcase
I came in to try it on
It clinged well to my body
And I thought if you would like it
But I would never know, would I?
So I put the dress back on its hanger and hurried back to the office

On the way home I decided to just get some Chinese
For I couldn’t bear sitting alone in the restaurant
Watching couples sharing thoughts and laughs
Maybe in a while but not that day
That day it would be just too painful
To watch lost moments that I would never get back

In the driveway I looked for a familiar license plate
Only to realize that there shouldn’t be any
Still I couldn’t refrain from looking
Just in case you changed your mind
And stopped by to say you missed me
I guessed it was just a wishful thinking
For your car was nowhere within sight

I unlocked my apartment door
It was cold and dark
Just like my heart had been on that day
On my first day without you

9 Dec 98 16:54

Did I have the choice otherwise?

2006-07-07T02:15:00.000-07:00

When you asked if you should ever leave
You made it as if my words would make a difference
But I knew you have decided to go
You already knew what you wanted
So I gave you the answer you needed
Did I have the choice otherwise ?

When you left like you wanted to
You made it as if you would only be away for a while
But I knew time was not the question
You have set your heart on other hearts
So I saw you off and let you go
Did I have the choice otherwise ?

When you came home like you promised to
You came to me with your smile on
But I knew that you were already taken
You have left your heart beyond my reach
So I smiled back and waved good bye
Did I have the choice otherwise ?

4 Dec 98 15:30

Candy and Me

2006-07-07T02:14:00.000-07:00

(A Poem for my Stuffed Animal)

I caught your eyes several days before my sixteenth birthday
My heart leaped on your lovely gaze
And I knew right there and then
That we are meant to be together

On my sixteenth birthday we were already together
You and I through eternity
You laughed at me when I tried on my lipstick,
but I forgave you
‘cause you never laughed at my mistakes
when all the others did
You smiled with me when I won the Math competition
You comforted me when I screamed
in front of a lizard in my bedroom

You were with me when I had to go away to college
You stayed awake with me
when I was writing my term papers
that were due the next day

You shed happy tears with me when I graduated
And comforted me when I got my first scolding from my first boss
You were there to help me pull through friends’ betrayals

And during the times when the sun was not shining for me,
you curled with me in the dark
And during the times when I feel all alone in the cruel universe,
you made me see that I wasn’t
And during the times when no other single creature understand me,
you do
And during the times when I was crying my heart out,
you did not complain even though my tears wet you all over

And after all these years,
through each and every thick and thin,
you were there for me
And I know for sure that we will always be together
My yellow stuffed duck and me

For Candy with love

8 Nov 98 22:20

Is late really better than never?

2006-07-07T02:13:00.000-07:00

I found a smile among many
It was yours
I thought it was for me
I was right

I found a heart among many
It was yours
I thought it was for me
This time, I was wrong

I never regret the day I found your smile
It’s mine to keep forever
I never regret the day I found your heart
I only wish I did it sooner

Is late really better than never?
I can never know for sure

8 Nov 98 21:55

I have no choice but to let you go

2006-07-01T04:36:00.000-07:00

I have led you to a complicated qualm,
I wish I could put the doubts aside
But you gently moved away in a gentleman’s way
Knowing I needed more time to contemplate
This time around,
I have no choice but to let you go
Sending you off with hope that you’d safely come home

Next time you come,
I may have chosen to be by your side
knowing all along you never keep me at bay
wondering if it’s already too late
scared that I may have found
that I have no choice but to let you go
Forced to send you off knowing you’d never again come

27 Oct 98 16:55

Each time

2006-07-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

Each time the phone rings
It’s your voice that I hope to hear
And most of the time,
it’s really your voice calling to say hi

Each time there is a knock on my door
It’s your face that I hope to see
And most of the time,
it’s really your smile on the other side of the door

Each time I feel all alone
It’s you that I hope to be with me
And each and every time,
you did come to cure the loneliness

Each time I was down
It’s you that I hope to pick me up
And each and every time,
you were there to do it for me

But after all this time,
at the one time I asked for your heart,
You shook your head and left
Leaving me with nothing but a broken heart

21 Oct 98 20:51

Just when you think

2006-07-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you’ve found the answer,
another assumption is challenged
and you find yourself back to square one.
Just when you think you’ve possessed enough,
another need comes along
to break your satisfied silence.
Just when you think you’ve given enough,
another sick orphan
sits around the corner.
Just when you think you’ve known enough,
another mystery knocks you down clueless.
Just when you think your heart has found the right heart,
Another heart comes knocking
and you find yourself opening the door.
If you don’t see the pattern soon enough,
just when you accept that life is but a roller coaster ride,
the ride would have been ended.

16 Oct 98 20:45

Afterlove

2006-07-01T04:30:00.000-07:00

the love is gone
yet we’re still here
we can’t go back
nor can we move on
we had something
yet it was too vague to carry forward
like a mourning period after a sudden death
like a cloudy late afternoon after the rain
when the sun is no where within sight
we no longer own each other
yet we’re not ready to be free again
we stood still
while the world moves forward
we’re merely two people
trapped forever in an afterlove

30 Sep 98 22:35

I just thought it was time

2006-06-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

I started with a full in my energy pool
Using as needed as I rolled on
Not knowing where the midpoint is
Not to mention where the endpoint is

The full energy soon became not so full
But rolling on was still so much fun
I knew that I was heading for something good
So I enjoyed the travel as mush as I could

Opening gifts full of surprises
Laughed on some, shed tears on others
Keeping some and leaving the rest
Looking forward to opening new ones

I went on with a half in my energy pool
Using it more wisely as I continued rolling on
Still now knowing when to stop
That is, if I should at all stop
Speculating on other areas to be conquered
Bu boring patterns soon appeared
Losing energy, I made more but smaller hops
Wondering if there was really something to be called the top

Pondering on the meaning of the word enough
Contemplating whether to put another bet
Taking inventory of what I, so far, had have
Trying to foresee all that were ahead

I adopted stricter rule for the energy pool
For ach and every top was just an illusion
What was the use of a tank that was once full?
When the end is nowhere within vision

One day I decided to stop
Not due to inventory overload
Not because I could see the rest of the road
There was no clear reason why I stopped

I just thought it was time
2 May 97

What I learn from my Chicken Pox

2006-06-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

No matter how well I plan something
No matter how sure I am of something
There is something beyond my control

No matter how I think that there is not time left
No matter how impossible things are
There is unexpected time laying around

No matter how bad I want something
No matter how hard I strive for it
When He says no, I won’t get it

No matter how reliable I think I am
No matter how independent I think I am
There is time when I am the weakest and the most helpless

No matter how unstoppable I think I am
No matter how proud I am of my persistence
When He stops me, I have to stop

4 Dec 96

Everlasting peace

2006-06-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes ever the simplest pleasure can bring me everlasting smile
The smell of a half baked cake
A half written poem
A new edition of a girl magazine
A ringing phone
A song with a familiar lyric on the radio
The last word of a long paper
A funny email from a faraway friend
A two for five sale of baskin robbins ice cream
The smell of vidal sasoon shampoo on my newly dried hair
How I wish those times last forever
In some other times when none can take away the sorrow
In those times when none can ease the emptiness
During those times when none can create even the weakest smile
How I wish those times were all replaced
With the times when even the simplest pleasure can bing me everlasting peace

30 Nov 96

Before

2006-06-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

Before the next sun comes up on the east
Before the next moon comes down in the mist of dawn
Before you finish serenading the word good night
Before you end your tonight’s prayer
Before you pull up the blanket that separates you from the world
Before you take the last look at the ceiling
Before you close your eyes to sleep
Before you step into the world of dreams
Before you breathe the next breath
Before your heart beat the next beat
I already am thinking of you in that very special way
Always

27 Nov 96

One moment of Nudity

2006-06-08T03:02:00.000-07:00

A sudden rush of wind brushing against bare skin
A rich feeling of the world’s texture
A freedom of burden
An enlightened spirit
A freedom of sight
A strong feeling of naturalism
An absence of pretense
A deep realization of oneself
A strangulating vulnerability
A powerful urge to embrace the immediate air
A temporary total unity with space

2 Nov 96
special thanks to esther for the inspirational tease

Once upon a season

2006-06-08T03:01:00.000-07:00

Once upon a summer
We share bits and pieces
Knowing neither where we come from
Nor where we go from there

Once upon a fall
Nothing means anything
But I’m with you
I do, always

Once upon a winter
We have the choice once again
Asking neither what nor how
Neither regretting nor expecting

Once upon a spring
Last chance comes and quickly go
Exchanging neither meaningful nor meaningless words
Which are neither lost nor kept

Once upon a season
We could only remember and mostly wonder
But I will be with you
I will, always

26 Oct 96

A Wasted Second Chance

2006-06-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

One upon a time
I found you among the crowds
An unpredictable gaze
A un-understandable heart
Too short a vague smile was exchanged
Too tiny an attempt was shared
I stood motionless
Only to painfully watch you go away
Leaving a regret I somehow felt I’ll carry for life

Once again
I found another you among the crowds
The same un-understandable heart
The same unpredictable gaze
I know I’ve waited way too long
I should’ve asked you long ago
But I stood motionless, expecting …
Knowing painfully that I’ll soon lose you again
This time.. for good
Rediscovering a regret I’ll carry for life

I’ve been given a second chance
It was a wasted second chance

13 Sep 96, 2 Dec 96

I thought I have Reached My Limit

2006-06-08T02:57:00.000-07:00

I thought I have reached my limit a very long time ago
With each passing episode …
More overwhelming than the once before
They never ceases to amaze me
How I went through it all
Without really reaching my limit

Each time I felt that things could not be worse
They were !
With no mercy and no excuse
Exerting more pressure than before
They never cease to amaze me
How I did not just melt down and evaporate
Even though sometimes I wanted it hard enough

I thought I reached my limit a long time ago
But ever time I thought that the worse was over
And that there will never be anything more grandiose that I couldn’t face
The next episode came pounding
Pushing me further out I wouldn’t dare to look

Each time I was wrong
Each time they never failed to surprise me
And the scariest part of all
After all these ties
Maybe there is no limit

6 May 1996

Good Bye, my Love, I waved You Good Bye

2006-06-02T18:27:00.001-07:00

One morning at a distant place
Once in the past my sight was touched
The mountain was there, the mountain was there
Since then I questioned each other’s deeds
Should we start to conquer this one now?
After one book came another
Mornings were gone, the next mornings came
Exchanges of looks, exchanges of words
Sitting in a circle, assuming assumptions
With meanings sought, never to be discovered
Should the hike start here, should the hike start there
And before nothing turned into dislike
Before all the mornings were lost
Good bye, my love, I waved you good bye
Forget the mountain, which was still there

April 1996

The day I came to my senses

2006-06-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

I could never pinpoint
But I did it many times before
Each time I felt stupid
Each time I felt embarrassed
The worst was over, though
And the days I came to my senses …
Marked the end and the beginning

And then …
For some reasons I could not explain
But always a reason
I went away again

Each time I went …
Finding my way back was harder and harder
I’ve been away for too long this time
Every time wanting to come back
But, every time I was close …
I pulled myself farther away

But today is the day I come to my senses
And this time …
I’m coming back for good

14 April 96

I wish I could let me go

2006-06-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could let me go
To my disdain, lately
That time has come more and more often
Suffocating me beyond what I can bear
Each time more intense than before
Hurting me slowly, surely, strongly
Hurting me hard I wish I could just let me go
Sometimes I wish it hard enough
Hoping it will come true
“it will come true if you wish hard enough,” they say
but when I get up in the morning …
after wishing so hard that it hurts …
I still couldn’t let me go
Each night …
Each very night …
I sleep with a new wishful hope
Waking up only to be disappointed once more
Again …
And again …
And I still couldn’t let me go
Until when do I have to put up with this?
Sometimes I just feel like bursting it all out
I rehearse it several times
Picturing myself picking up the phone
And bursting it all out
It is one of those times
When I wish I could let me go
Which, lately, to my disdain
Has come more and more often
How I wish I could let me go

April 1996

Untitled

2006-06-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

Not sad
Not quite happy

Not clueless
Not quite full of understanding

Not failed
Not quite successful

Not lost
Not quite purposeful

Not meaningless
Not quite meaningful

Not confused
Not quite decisive

Not worried
Not quite at peace

Not weak
Not quite strong

Not deprived
Not quite fulfilled

Somewhere in between
I’m untitled at twenty two

15 March 1996

Morning Ministry

2006-06-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

I know you have something to say
But there is no voice and there is no ear
You exist but yet you don’t count
And you just fade into somebody’s
Embarrassing past …
… that he wants to bury fast
Without wanting to admit it,
You want to be able to bury yours, too
Under the common bridge

10 March 1996

Note : I will always remember my experience of becoming a volunteer at the soup kitchen for the homeless people. Standing under the bridge distributing food every Saturday for 2 whole quarters have been an eye opener during my college years.

One of These moments

2006-05-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

One of these seconds
I’ll find myself thinking about you
One of these minutes
You’ll slip a beautiful dream under my pillow
One of these hours
I’ll find myself smiling at your photograph
One of these days
You voice will infuse new wonderful hopes into my days
One of these weeks
I’ll bore my friends to death with stories of you
One of these months
I’ll find myself holding you never want to let go
One of these years
I’ll be sharing the rest of forever with you
One of these lives
Is the best one could ever ask for …
And you gave it to me

7 March 96

I knocked at your door

2006-05-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

I knocked at your door
Several times in the past
There was no answer
Maybe you pretended not to hear
But I pretended you did not hear
You came over several times
With a well protected wall
I can’t possibly see through
One meaningful nod is all I need
Till then …
I won’t come knocking again

6 March 96

Strains of Hopes

2006-05-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

Especially written for my friend, N.

We found each other at once junction
At one point of time in the past
And we chose to take the same road forward

Whose fault is it
If the road happened to be the wrong one?
Who knows that
It was going to split into two,
Separated by a high glass wall in between?

And then you wouldn’t let me walk with you
On your side of the world
“It’s too risky,” that’s the way you put it

but..
what’s more risky than never able to reach you again?

And now…
Each time you drop a single strain of hope
I’ll be there to catch it with both of my hands
And when you turn to find no one around
Be sure to see me
‘cause I’ll wait for you at every corner
But if our life-paths never cross again
How am I supposed to go about living my life?

Feb 1996

During a brief episode of my life

2006-05-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

Without reason
Without intention
From nowhere, you glided through my life
And made a world of a difference

You passed an innocent smile
And I passed a wishful hope
Which was somehow lost somewhere in between

In no time
You would be out of my sight again
But in all time
I would keep traces of you in my life
Only because you were there
And colored a brief episode of my life

16 Feb 1996

Home

2006-05-16T03:04:00.000-07:00

Especially for you …

Maybe I was not sure where home is
But now I know that it is not a geographical location on earth
It is neither a country … nor a city …
Wherever you are … that’s home to me
And every second that passes …
Brings me closer to where I belong …
I’m going home … to you

10 Feb 1996

Like water and soap bubble

2006-05-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

Watching streams of water choosing their routes
Among so many interlocking canals
Formed by patterns on the tiles
So decisive in each intersection
So persistent in each junction
Never stop to hesitate

Looking at soap bubbles floating confidently in the air
Each one knowing when exactly to burst
“pop”, disappearing into thin air at the exact moment
never too early,
never too late

how I wish I’ like a stream of water
so decisive in each intersection
so confident in each junction

how I wish I can be like a soap bubble
knowing exactly what to do
knowing exactly when to stop

8 Jan 1996

Some Say Love

2006-05-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

Some say love is the reason
Because it stands behind all cause
Some say love is the result
For it is the fruit of actions and feelings

Some say love is joy
Since it brings much more than you can hope for
Some say love is a droplet of tear
Because it sometimes makes you regret being born

Some say love is uncertainty
For it comes and goes as streams of confusions
Some say love is the pillar to rely on
Since it is the only thing you want to hold on to

Some say love is the guiding light
Because it gives purpose that makes you go on
Some say love is the poison pill
For it may make you lie and hang on to someone else’s dreams

I say love is everything
Since nothing else can make this life worth living

November 1995

Sweetness

2006-05-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

Especially written for my heartbroken friend ...

Sometimes the world seems cruel and full of sorrow …
And you feel that you’ve lost all you’ve once found
But be sure to know that tomorrow …
Is a different day with sweetness of its own

Cause life exists with a million textures …
Each day, each second is filled with something new
And when you give the time a chance to cure …
All the sweetness will come running back to you

October 1995

Painting a Dream of My Own

2006-05-10T23:33:00.000-07:00

When a marching band progresses in a rhythmic procession …
Space are transparent and times are predictable …
And I’m just a mindless body passing through in space and time

When a letter-filled bottle is thrown into an ocean …
Spaces become gray and times surprising …
And I’m just a hopeful slave with a wishful mind

But when a baby bird flies for the first time across nations …
Spaces are hideous and times are cruel …
And I become a bodiless mind soaring through my own space and time

It is then, and only then, I will know whats and whys …
And I will seek to find the days of painting a lifelong dream of myown

March 1995

My World

2006-05-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

Sunlight breaks through my bedroom window …
Making me aware of the world outside …

Meandering river giving life to its surroundings
Interlocking hills sharing their peace
Soaring ocean waves teasing the white sand on the beach
Green grass heavy with morning mist
Small children chasing flying kites
One of which falls near my bedroom window
Breaking my streams of dreamful thoughts

Then a sudden rush of realization …
That in one dark corner
People are killing each other
In a game called war

March 1995

An Ant in a Balloon

2006-05-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

Freedom …
Space …
Time …
I have them all

Seeing everything
Walking everywhere

All the paths have always been smooth
All the roads have always been wide

Never once a hurdle
Never once a barrier
Never once I find someone …
Who dares to intervene

After all …
I am the mightiest …
… that exist

March 1995

On the brim of sanity

2006-05-10T03:29:00.000-07:00

…traveling along the edge
heading towards the vague horizon …
tasting the blue and the red …
… the yellow, the grey and the green
counting dews on the grasses …
getting queens but never aces …
… strolling, wheeling, rolling and stumbling …
as if this walk is never-ending …

March 1995